Sunday, March 4, 2012

This Life's More Than Just a Read-Through

I heard the song Can't Stop by the Red Hot Chili Peppers yesterday, and changed my Facebook status to the final lyrical lines in the song:
Can't stop the spirits when they need you
This life's more than just a read through...

This isn't uncommon for me--Facebook status updates are frequently lyrics to songs that are either stuck on continuous loop in my brain, or just cycled on my iPod. I find profound meaning in lyrics, and prior to the internet used to spend hours hitting rewind to memorize all the words to my favorite songs.

As I reflected on this particular notion--this life's more than just a read through, I found myself wondering how much time I've spent treating this life LIKE a read through. And, at what point would I decide the play, the movie, the video--whatever--was no longer a rehearsal but live--for real. 

I don't have an answer to the question. Maybe this is related to all of the changes coming my way; maybe not. Could it be that I'm pouring over the last 10 years of my life--the 10 years that have swept by since Joey's death, wondering if I've made any significant progress on this journey? Perhaps it's a mixture of both. 

There are days where I feel that I've not matured, improved, grown. Other days I know I have taken steps forward, but somehow I still feel stuck in rehearsal mode. You know, when I make enough money, or when I can find someone who will travel to Italy with me, or next year. These are my convenient excuses for not putting myself in full PLAY mode.

I'm finally at peace with working as a contractor, so much so that I don't know if I want to go back to a full time job and deal with the politics, the competition, the endless overtime hours unpaid and under-appreciated. Because I am not independently wealthy, I have applied not only for contract assignments but also full time jobs in two geographic areas: NY/NJ, where I currently live, and DC/MD, close to my parents. And my life long friends. I hope for contracts, but will accept full time. A girl's gotta have great shoes...

I'm not exactly sure where blogging will take me, from a career standpoint. But I'm hoping that doors open as I look at the chronicles I establish. Also hope to polish my writing skills because I do believe there is a way to monetize this skill. Maybe not on the blogosphere, at least not through Squeedunk--but somehow.

Add to my list of changes: Robert, my friend who turned 50 last week, just packed up for a 5-6 week stint in his hometown in PA. Robert is my best friend in the Jersey City area. He checks on me every day. He lifts heavy things for me and hangs artwork, keeps me up to date on the local gossip. He makes me laugh and feeds me. And I rely on his opinion and point of view heavily. I cried when I said goodbye to him today. He's two hours away and we both have iPhones. While I know change of all kind can be good--often is good--I struggle with the process. 

In summary, my mind is racing. I want to embrace all of the change, I want to evolve. I want Robert to be successful creating the beautiful sculptures he will make in his PA studio, I want us both to end up in living situations over the next few months that help us live life in PLAY mode, not rehearsal. 

But, the tears are flowing. Maybe it's time to go for a run. Ah, what excuse can I come up with today?
None? Oh. Sigh.

This is Coco, next to two of Robert's spheres, at approximately 8 months of age. She is an art kitty.


  1. Good luck with your blog and running! This winter hasn't been too bad but i know it's still hard when it's chilly. That treadmill is a torture device. :)

  2. Thank you! I am a treadmill queen during the winter, which is part of the issue...I really have no excuse because I'm off for a week between assignments! I have running on the schedule every day! Good luck to you too...


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