Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Time

Two posts in one day? How'd that happen?

I am waiting for the vet to come to my apartment to sedate Bessie and Lulu. This is not a fun process for me because I have to starve them in order for them to be sedated. And that means feeding Coco, Vali and Manhattan in the bathroom. They weren't thrilled about their dining locale this morning but did oblige, begrudgingly. Until Manhattan had enough of being in a small space and starting jamming her paw under the door in a desperate attempt to escape on her own.

To pass the time, between waking up and sleep state for the Feral Two, I walked to ShopRite, bought coffee. Came back and have been furiously texting people, as well as returning phone calls. I also did a quick white tornado cleaning in the bathroom. You know, because that's what I do when given the gift of time...

Valentina is now camped out in the kitty playpen I bought to help with behavioral steps provided by the cat whisperer. Vali thinks it's grand. Coco and Manhattan have also checked it out. When B & L return from the vet, I'll attempt to put them in there, and get a barrier to block C/V/M from them while Lulu recovers from spay surgery, and while both B&L establish the scent of the household on them instead of the scent of the vet. That smell is likely to drive Coco over the edge into her full lioness personality. I don't need to find myself with any more cat scratches or bites than I've acquired in the last month, and don't know how I'd explain a second trip to the ER to anyone.

It's an interesting place to be in, sitting on the cusp of big changes. I'm not in full gear yet, but I am working toward that as a goal. There was a lot of internal work I needed to do to prepare for this time and place. I'll start sharing that soon. Like, how I had to come to terms with the end of a, well let's not go so far to say it was a relationship--so let's say the termination of contact with a male in my life; I'm so much better off without the anguish I allowed it to cause me. And the realization that my career is really more a succession of work assignments than the career I had imagined as as student at Hood College. Learning over and over again who are the friends that truly understand me, and those who find my external processing burdensome...all of these at first painful epiphanies have moved me to a state of feeling peace. Oh, not total peace. Goodness, no. I'm still working on the critic who lives inside.

I asked her to go on an extended vacation, but she doesn't seem to have access to a travel agent.

Looking around at the circumstances facing people in my life, even if those people are tertiary to me, I realize that there is a path to a better place if I'm willing to forge ahead. The book Broken Open was pivotal for me last year and has served to propel my search for The New Place. It inspired me to take the online blogging course. And to take a look at all of these seemingly terrible experiences from my recent and long term past, and find the truth about me embedded within; I'm still on that quest. And working on forgiving myself for a lifetime of transgressions against family, friends, ex boyfriends, co workers. These transgressions were all linked with finding my greater good. Fortunately, some people survived long enough to see the transformations unfurl. Others didn't; I lament that the image they have of me could be the younger Laura, tripping over emotions and adult complications. Perhaps these people only remember the good. I hope so...because I know I shared more good than I probably allow for in my critical mind.

And with that, I'll end this post so I can pace and wring my hands whilst I await Dr. H's arrival. Just shoved C and V into the bathroom so Coco doesn't go ape-shit when the vet walks in smelling like a vet. Vali wanted food. M will rush into a closet so I am not worried about her...okay I'm worried but have to divert that worry for now. This heart can only carry so much at once...


2 comments:

  1. OMG, Broken Open was the most important book in my life.

    ReplyDelete
  2. there are so many on my list i don't know where to begin, but this one certainly joins the ranks as a must re-read...

    ReplyDelete

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