Sunday, December 30, 2012

The End Becomes the Beginning

Here we go again. Another new year ahead....

I started this blog early in 2012 while taking an online course. This, I told myself, would be the year I sharpened my writing skills and found a way to channel my creative energies and spirit. Such good intentions....

As I look back over my posts, I see clearly that I saw nothing clearly this entire year. Well, not when it involved my personal path. Normally, I'd evaluate this as good or bad. I'm not going to do that to myself. There's nothing to be gained, and it's a time suck.

On multiple occasions I described wanting to move out of my apartment. The reality is I don't WANT to move out of my apartment. Not just to move out. What I had hoped earlier this year was to find a place to buy, and then move. I looked here in Jersey City in my price range. The options were just not acceptable. Small spaces, resale would have been difficult, neighborhoods I didn't care to join. I can't afford Manhattan, so that was off the list. And moving to a suburb in New Jersey didn't suit me either, since I knew I'd be further away from NYC, commuting in for work (if I could find work in the city) would become expensive and time consuming.

Then, I thought I'd move to Maryland. This plan seemed to be a good one, real estate in my price range is much better and resale in those areas that I desire would be very good. Additionally, I'd be closer to my mom and dad. For those of you who have been reading you know that my mother's health has declined noticeably this year. The foundation of my heart is my family, so I want to be there to be helpful. That income thing though--mortgages are predicated on having one. A job hunt in the area commenced. While simultaneously job hunting in the NYC area to sustain my monthly run rate.

In October, I secured a part time contract and I thought, for some foolish reason, I'd be able to find additional work and life as I knew it would resume. That hasn't been the case. I've interviewed for multiple full time jobs, talked to scads of people about contract and full time opportunities. And this has yielded a lot of talk and e-mail time with no job in hand. I also became frustrated with looking in two different areas for jobs, and working through the if/then scenarios.

In early December, upon learning that I was declined for a big job in NYC that seemed more like a winning lottery ticket than anything, I made the decision AGAIN to pack up and move to MD. February 1. This I rationalized made sense. Cheaper in MD, closer to mom and dad. Lots of friends available to help.

After being in MD for the Christmas holiday, and really thinking through the details, I've pulled the plug on February 1.

If you don't know me, this very well could sound bi-polar. I suppose there is a measure of insanity to all of it--if we say that insanity is trying the same thing over and over expecting different results.

For 2013, I'd like to do a few things:
1) Find work that covers my expenses. I don't really care any more if it's work in my field, if it's work I can brag about, or work that others think is valuable. Income is the goal.
2) In establishing this work, determine where I want to be based for the next two-three years. Keeping in mind that any plan I have can be turned upside down by events that are completely out of my control.
3) Get back to basics on running, working out. I have been inactive for too long. I know why--it's the inertia I experience when I'm confused. I've been so confused all year.
4) Blog more. Re-vamp. Connect with other bloggers. I think that Valentina may be the key here, she could actually take over as the Chief Cat Correspondent for Unit 910.
5) Enjoy and lean into the sharp points, as Pema Chodron would say.

In summary, this whole year hasn't been a waste (an evaluative statement) if I consider these facts: I made new friends, I have been pushed to the point of feeling an intense need to transform on an emotional level...and I'm being challenged now to find a new way to generate income.

I'm scared to death, but on a parallel path I believe if I don't run away I may find a new beginning.

I think she'd be a better draw to the blog than I've been. Valentina, also known as the Social Director of Unit 910.

Where ever your road has led you this year, I hope you have some peace and joy. Where there is sorrow or pain, I hope you can harvest the lesson intended for you. It's not easy. I'm still working on mine. Peace.

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